so its been like two years and im mores depressed . i want so bad to feel the arms of my grandmother around my head and face i thought of making a drawing with a real life picture of my grandads coats and my grandmothers sweater with wire but who would care only me and it would only leave me in tears in the end. im so tired of criying at the end of the night i might bleed tears. and ive lost my school thanks to my depression and bipolar no one calls and if i get a call its a stranger not a long time friend who knows me. no one it seems to care about me calls or ask about me and my child i get inventations to birthtady parties and one time i got presents for my child which made me feel inadiquete for the upbringing of my child as i watched all i wanted to do was go and crawl into a hole i had no money no tree no new clothes no gas no nothing i felt empty as i watched a family open presents and i havent talked to them since for i feel i am not worthy i cant even get the things i need for myslef let alone my child. but then again i helped some of my friends with housing and they have not even contacted me or the one friend who always said what ever you need call me i call he never really sais yes makes somes excuss i am like the last to get my shit strait i am so down on my self y o y does it take some ass 500 miles to say i love you or fuck me and make a baby an then brake my fucken face an say i love you and leave me and never see his child again after 3 months i have lived a life many have lived but just taked diff. stepes my family abandond me in a homeless shelter hoping to never hear from me again sorry i wasnt born into your family sorry for all the things ive done wrong but im not 46 and askng for a home lone i lived a hard life thanks to myself and thanks to you not careing for me and making me feel like im not loved or wanted i am a mother an i need help i am sick i want to to cut myself but i cant for my child and i want to die but i cant for my child so i have to stay in my hopless state for as long as it takes but i really dont want this i want to give him up and go find the nearist tree with water so i have a back up plan or maybe im being a poet but i just hate my life i want to not feel so sad and it just keeps getting worse it always the same always.