Sunday, September 20, 2009
so its been like two years and im mores depressed . i want so bad to feel the arms of my grandmother around my head and face i thought of making a drawing with a real life picture of my grandads coats and my grandmothers sweater with wire but who would care only me and it would only leave me in tears in the end. im so tired of criying at the end of the night i might bleed tears. and ive lost my school thanks to my depression and bipolar no one calls and if i get a call its a stranger not a long time friend who knows me. no one it seems to care about me calls or ask about me and my child i get inventations to birthtady parties and one time i got presents for my child which made me feel inadiquete for the upbringing of my child as i watched all i wanted to do was go and crawl into a hole i had no money no tree no new clothes no gas no nothing i felt empty as i watched a family open presents and i havent talked to them since for i feel i am not worthy i cant even get the things i need for myslef let alone my child. but then again i helped some of my friends with housing and they have not even contacted me or the one friend who always said what ever you need call me i call he never really sais yes makes somes excuss i am like the last to get my shit strait i am so down on my self y o y does it take some ass 500 miles to say i love you or fuck me and make a baby an then brake my fucken face an say i love you and leave me and never see his child again after 3 months i have lived a life many have lived but just taked diff. stepes my family abandond me in a homeless shelter hoping to never hear from me again sorry i wasnt born into your family sorry for all the things ive done wrong but im not 46 and askng for a home lone i lived a hard life thanks to myself and thanks to you not careing for me and making me feel like im not loved or wanted i am a mother an i need help i am sick i want to to cut myself but i cant for my child and i want to die but i cant for my child so i have to stay in my hopless state for as long as it takes but i really dont want this i want to give him up and go find the nearist tree with water so i have a back up plan or maybe im being a poet but i just hate my life i want to not feel so sad and it just keeps getting worse it always the same always.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
im so isolated i get scared of my own shadow, how ...
im so isolated i get scared of my own shadow, how pathetic is that. ive been living in my nice apartment now for 2 months and i have yet to venture out to a public place of enjoyment. i dont know if am getting that phobia agin but i really hate school i dont like driving much. i sometimes do when i have a good day and im not too manic or depressed or in mixed states i do hate kinling. one reason i hate school now is people see me as the rambler and tourttes girl who is off kilter. so far this semester i have insulted one of my teacher's not on purpose more than two times that i can remeber. i recall saying only crackheads do that , and then applying a gay smashing statement that was not meant the way it came out. i have always had "foot in mouth" problems since i was a child. then for some reason people im not in anyway attracted to are contacting me. i still have the whole problem of trying to be nice no matter the outcome. i think i got that from my grandmother. i saw her eat shit politly with a knife and fork for many years until she herself became depressed. im just not all that happy with my overall self right now. i lead the most boring life i believe. hell the state hospital was more exciting than this except theres no fences and no electric cig. lighters coming from the walls and no nurse to tell me i have a session at this time. But still its people i miss the most. hearing there fucked up stories and plans on how to do this or that. And finding love in a hospital is not like finding love on the outside. when a girl and guy talk too much there seperated which makes it even more exciting to see that person everday. but when your on the outside its like i dont really know how to live anymore . i go to school and try to engage into conversations and yet im so lost and alone on how to fit in with them to be a productive citazen of society fucks with my head so much. no one wants to hear about the "crazy stories" of a rambler, someone told me. just obseve no like to be interupted. she couldnt talk cause i interjected my "crazy" ramblings on a fucking starbucks storie. in the end i once agin felt like why am i here. i loath the rich girls and daddys money when a girl said in my math class then that person needs to get a job and stop being lazy and living off of the government. i wanted to rip her pretty little hair out " ah i mean im from mexico people " ya and daddy's money doesnt seem to be hurting one bit in your pocket. its morones like these which make me scared for myself there the ones who will be running our country so to speak and that scary. population morone and i want to run to france where theres free heath care a doctor comes to your house at night for anything. try living on the eastside of anywhere in the U.S and see how fast it takes cops or ambulance to get there ie most case your iether close to or dead and theres a line and yellow and red tap.
draft
im so isolated i get scared of my own shadow, how pathetic is that. ive been living in my nice apartment now for 2 months and i have yet to venture out to a public place of enjoyment. i dont know if am getting that phobia agin but i really hate school i dont like driving much. i sometimes do when i have a good day and im not too manic or depressed or in mixed states i do hate kinling. one reason i hate school now is people see me as the rambler and tourttes girl who is off kilter. so far this semester i have insulted one of my teacher's not on purpose more than two times that i can remeber. i recall saying only crackheads do that , and then applying a gay smashing statement that was not meant the way it came out. i have always had "foot in mouth" problems since i was a child. then for some reason people im not in anyway attracted to are contacting me. i still have the whole problem of trying to be nice no matter the outcome. i think i got that from my grandmother. i saw her eat shit politly with a knife and fork for many years until she herself became depressed. im just not all that happy with my overall self right now. i lead the most boring life i believe. hell the state hospital was more exciting than this except theres no fences and no electric cig. lighters coming from the walls and no nurse to tell me i have a session at this time. But still its people i miss the most. hearing there fucked up stories and plans on how to do this or that. And finding love in a hospital is not like finding love on the outside. when a girl and guy talk too much there seperated which makes it even more exciting to see that person everday. but when your on the outside its like i dont really know how to live anymore . i go to school and try to engage into conversations and yet im so lost and alone on how to fit in with them to be a productive citazen of society fucks with my head so much. no one wants to hear about the "crazy stories" of a rambler, someone told me. just obseve no like to be interupted. she couldnt talk cause i interjected my "crazy" ramblings on a fucking starbucks storie. in the end i once agin felt like why am i here. i loath the rich girls and daddys money when a girl said in my math class then that person needs to get a job and stop being lazy and living off of the government. i wanted to rip her pretty little hair out " ah i mean im from mexico people " ya and daddy's money doesnt seem to be hurting one bit in your pocket. its morones like these which make me scared for myself there the ones who will be running our country so to speak and that scary. population morone and i want to run to france where theres free heath care a doctor comes to your house at night for anything. try living on the eastside of anywhere in the U.S and see how fast it takes cops or ambulance to get there ie most case your iether close to or dead and theres a line and yellow and red tap.
draft
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